A very weird and personal question...

So I shower with my 9 month old son sometimes. Doesn't seem like a big deal to me. He just sits and plays in his baby bath tub so he doesn't slip. I also get dressed in front of him regularly. I always have, and I will probably continue to do so until he is about 2 maybe 3. But I was doing a little reading and noticed some people had a big problem with that. Why? Is it really wrong to be nude around your children? Especially when they are still babies? Seriously. I mean, he nurses a little still so he sees my breasts all the time! I've seen my mom naked numerous times and I'm not scarred for life. Granted I'm not going to let my 4 or 5 year old son see me naked, (maybe if he was a girl) but he's still a baby! So what are your personal opinion's on your children seeing you naked? I think it's perfectly normal. And maybe even healthy in some cases. I'd rather him see my normal body than an overly sexual and fake, photo shopped body somewhere else!

Who needs exercise?

I have a 9 month old who is cruising and crawling around all day. Who needs exercise? Not me. ;)

Just kidding, I really actually do need to exercise. I never ever thought I would say this but I really do not want to exercise at all these days. Whatever happened to my oh so fit days as a martial artist? I want those abs back!

Think before you speak...

You wouldn't go up to someone who was overweight and say, "Gee, you're really fat, you should eat less", would you? So why is it OK to go up to a really skinny person and say, "Wow, you're so skinny. You should eat more!"? It's the same thing.

When someone says that to me the only thing that goes through my mind is "Wow, I must look really terrible if they can't keep the comment to themselves."

Just saying. Think before you speak. I know I'm skinny. I get it. Leave me alone.

Failure to Thrive?

So I got my blood tests back today and I learned a lot of interesting things about my body.

There isn't a particular name for what I have because it's just a combination of problems. But basically what the doctor told me was that if I were a child or younger teenager I would be considered 'failure to thrive'. If you're wondering what that would be I included a link below.

https://health.google.com/health/ref/Failure+to+thrive

I also learned a few other things, which are contributing to the problem:

1. I am sleep deprived. I didn't need a blood test to tell me that, but a lot of my problems would be greatly improved if I could sleep at night. I am not allowed to nurse at night period. The doctor told me that because I'm already sleep deprived, nursing at night would further inhibit my body's abilities to rejuvenate at night, by taking basically all the nutrients I have left and keeping me awake further. I've always had sleep problems, but I admit that I haven't actually slept more than 3 or 4 hours a night since I had Jacob. Even if he goes right back to sleep, I don't.

Anyways, on this subject she said it's because my melatonin is depleted from being awake so much with Jacob and I was already a sleep deprived teenager to begin with. If I wasn't single this probably wouldn't even be an issue because someone would be there to help when I needed it.

2. I am underweight. I knew that too, since I own a scale. That and my fatigue are why I went to the doctor in the first place! But this is mainly where the 'failure to thrive' diagnosis comes in. It's definitely not normal to keep losing weight and not know why. I had gained 5 lbs and was pretty proud of myself, but I can't keep the weight I gain. I've almost lost all of it again. I honestly thought I was making at least some progress. :(

3. My immune system is out of whack! I could have told you that too. But the strange thing (and a good thing) is that my monocytes are back to normal now. So the mono is definitely completely gone (thanks to some lovely herbs and vitamin supplements. Yay for Health food stores! I think I might go back to one for all this soon.) But on the mono subject, none of this probably would have happened at all if I hadn't gotten it in the first place.

Anyways, my Neutrophils were very low, and my lymphocytes, Eosinophils, Eosinophils aboslute and Basophils were all abnormally high. Normally they would say, 'You most likely have leukemia' with test results like that. But my While blood cell count was smack dab in the middle of what's normal. So it most likely isn't cancer of any kind. But something is obviously going on with my immune system. :(

4. My potassium, glucose and sodium levels were all low. She told me that my levels were the same as someone who was starving... and I eat. I have proof. I eat a lot. I stuff myself to make sure I get enough and I DO NOT throw up! However, she did tell me this can happen rarely to women who nurse, and nurse a lot. I do admit that even though he is almost 9 months Jacob nurses more often than he gets solids. He just prefers nursing to eating real food most of the time. Maybe it has something to do with that? I don't know. But she said they were so dangerously low that if I were to get sick and throw up or get the flu or something I would do one of three things... die, have a heart-attack, or have a seizure. Not good.



So the order to stop nursing still stands, with the consequences of not stopping possibly being my life (not to sound too dramatic or anything, haha). I've decided to go a more gentle route and cut back on nursing time slowly rather than cut out a whole feeding at a time. He seems to be doing much better this way. He still won't take a bottle. I offer him a cup of formula at every meal, but it's looking like he will have to make due with just solids and water by the time he is weaned. He is a very healthy boy so I'm sure he will be alright. He is still under the weight limit on my Moby wrap so I think he will get more time in that to make up for lost cuddle time at the breast. I'm still sad about it, but I don't think I have much of a choice. My doctor was literally threatening me with putting me on a feeding tube and I.V.

Oh the joys of being an adult. I wish I could go back to childhood when my only real problems had to do with whether I could get my room clean in time to play with friends or not. I really hope none of this gets worse. At this point in my life I'm not sure I could handle anything else. I'm really at my wits end. Can I please crawl back in bed and not get up for a few years? Thanks.

Fine, I'll join the club.

I usually don't share these but here are my New Years Resolutions:

1. Write in Journal at least once a week.
2. Floss every night.
3. Exercise at least 3 days a week.
4. Read the Scriptures every day.
5. Go to church every possible week.
6. Say morning and evening prayers consistently.
7. Stay temple worthy.
8. Get energy back.
9. Be happier and have more fun.
10. Magnify your church callings.
11. Keep room cleaner and stay on top of laundry.
12. Develop and use a good routine for Jacob and I.
13. Be a better mom.
14. Find and practice a hobby/talent.
15. Educate yourself.


I love how I'm half talking to myself in third person and half doing something else. My grammar went right out the window. :)

Anyways, some of these may seem easy or even juvenile but I'm just getting back to basics here. Some of these I'm doing pretty good with already but some of these I'm not. So hopefully I can stick to them. Happy New Year!

A second opinion.

I'm going to get a second opinion on the whole stopping nursing. I can see the practicality in the advice... but do I really need to stop? Would it really hurt me to go just 3 or 4 more months until he is really ready for a cup and maybe cow's milk? After a few days of trying really hard (and failing miserably) to get Jacob on a bottle I can see that he is definitely not ready to stop and I know that even though it's hard right now that it's the best thing for him to nurse. I don't know. It's very confusing for me. So I'm going to a different doctor for a second opinion. I may even branch out and talk to a lactation consultant for the first time. We'll see what happens. I may or may not continue nursing. But at this point SOMETHING has to change. I can't keep spiraling downward in my health. It's affecting my emotions very strongly and there is no way I can continue living this way. I can't wait to see what the results of my blood test were. Then I'm getting that second opinion.

Busy, busy, busy!

Jacob has become a busy bee over night. Yesterday, he was normal. Then last night he was suddenly into EVERYTHING and crawling EVERYWHERE! Where did this come from? Today in church he was crawling under benches, getting passed around, rolling, etc. What the heck? hahaha. It's pretty hilarious to watch, but when did this happen? Seriously! I'm in for it.

P.S. why is it that babies are attracted to outlets like magnets? It doesn't matter where we are, he know exactly where to find each outlet. Like the outlet to the water fountain at church...

P.P.S. I now have a calling at church... I'm a primary teacher. That's what I get for talking in Sacrament meeting! hahaha.

:(

I knew it was coming, but my doctor told me I have to stop nursing. :( It's too sad. Since I've been so tired sometimes I feel like nursing helps me be a better mother. We're always connected that way, even when I can't do everything I feel I need to do. I know I can still feed him formula and hold him at the same time and comfort and rock him. It doesn't make up for it, but it does help. I'm pretty down about it, but I knew it was going to happen sooner or later anyways. She's giving me a pretty short deadline too. 4 weeks from now he is supposed to be completely weaned and on formula. :(

It is for the better. I know my milk supply is copious and nutritious cause he is healthy and gaining weight just fine. But it's physically very draining on my body as is showing in my weight-loss, fatigue, etc. I'm sure that once I can get those symptoms fixed I will have the energy to do more. She did run a blood test but I won't know anything for two weeks. She gave me a lecture on anorexia too. What the heck? I eat! I haven't thrown up in over a year and that was from morning sickness!

Anyways I'm pretty sad about all this. But I will survive! It's only a small part of his life, and he really won't know the difference in a few months. Waaaah. :(